ERROL PARKER | Chief Editor | Contact
The Coalition’s money men earmarked extra spending in the final days of the election campaign for whatever their internal focus groups indicate is the most popular thing to spend it on.
Speaking to the media this morning from Canberra, Treasurer Josh Frydenberg and Finance Minister Simon Birmingham outlined their plan to ensure they are re-elected.
“We’ve set aside a large sum of money, in the billions,” Frydenberg said as Simon provided handclaps.
“Because everything our focus groups tell us is the best way to spend it. If they come back and say they want more health money in Queensland, that’s where it’s at,”
“Or if they want to replace those extremely grumpy bus trams in Adelaide with a new light rail system, we can arrange that too. In Perth, if they want a new frisbee golf park or whatever those freaks are doing there in their spare time, we can sort them out, pronto,”
“Because that’s the magic of focus groups. They tell you what’s most popular and that’s what we, the Coalition, like to donate money to. Things that are popular.
The treasurer handed over to Simon Birmingham, who stopped clapping and put on his glasses to read from the teleprompter.
“We are committed to providing a stable future for all Australians!” he shouted at an antisocial volume.
“Oh sorry, there was an exclamation point here. We’re all for responsible, smart spending. Thank you and the Hawks, I think.